A walking contradition

I think that one of the reasons why I haven't gotten further in my career at the ripe age of 26 is that I want everything and nothing at the same time, that I keep changing my mind as to what I want to do, and because of the antagonism between the deep and meaningful, and the shallow and fun. One day I want to be a human rights activist, fighting for everybody's right to enjoy the same life no matter where they live. The next day I want to be a PR exec, having cocktails at fancy bars and organizing media events. And how can you ever develop, advance in your career, if your two sides are pulling in two completely different directions?

Sometimes it bothers me that I will never change the world. And I think that having a job that means nothing, that's just about having fun, would be completely meaningless. That I should be helping those worse off, kids suffering in Africa, women suffering in Arab countries, etc etc etc. And I would enjoy doing that, I would, but at the same time I'm too scared to just go off to Africa and help out. I mean what would I do and how could I provide for myself? A girl's gotta eat!

And sometimes I feel like having a superficial media job wouldn't be so bad, after all. I mean after all, what's wrong with being just a little selfish, at least when it comes to the job that you do? I'm not a selfish person in general, on the contrary I think I'm one of the least selfish people I know, always trying to be there for everyone that needs me. So why then not just have a fun, stupid job that I enjoy? That's about material things such as clothes and good wine? About enjoying yourself while you can?

And who's to say that you can't combine the two?

Not that I know if the media industry is really one I want to enter into. Or I do, I know I do, ideally I'd write for a living, but I know that that's a dream next to impossible to achieve.

I love politics, and I started to get involved politically here in Sweden, thinking that I would one day become a politician. I was so enthusiastic about this, for all of... I don't know, five minutes? Then I had my mind set on something else for a minute or two, only to move on the the next dream. And only to realize that I don't know if I want to live here. But why don't I? There's nothing wrong with Stockholm.

There is something wrong with my life in Stockholm, though. I've never had so few friends, and done so little in my free time. I'm not taking advantage of what Stockholm has to offer, because one, I don't have the money to, two, I don't have the time to, and three, I don't have the people to do it with. And I don't know what makes me think that this would be different some place else?

I don't know, I think I've just been unable to connect with Stockholm. There's really nothing that ties me to Stockholm, no family, no memories and hardly any friends. With London it was different, I came to London as a 19-year-old and I created memories there, that I later came back to when I'd finished uni. And I know that I can create memories here too, but sometimes I think I'm just too old. I mean I can't see myself meeting new people in the near future; I never go out so I don't meet people that way and I work with only middle aged men. Then again, I don't know that many people in London these days either, a lot of people have moved back to their respective countries. But I do know more people than I know here, and I do know people who all know a lot of other people. Here my circle of friends consists of about 3 people and perhaps a couple of their friends occationally, but that's it.

Even Malmö seems like a better place to be. At least I have something that ties me to Malmö, family, old friends. Good friends. Perhaps Stockholm is just too in between for me? It's not the comfort of what I've always known, but it's also not the exciting and challenging. Perhaps it's just the fact that I feel really lonely here. I live alone and I almost work alone, and rarely see people. Back home in Malmö, if I didn't have anything to do one weekend, I could always go home to my mom. Here I have no one. And in London I always lived with people, thus there were always people around me. Here, it's just me.

And although I am very independent and even sometimes a bit of a hermit, I do like to have people around me. And I know that I'm restless and always want to move on to something better, but this time it's not about that so much as wanting to have a life, a career, friends. At least one or the other. Right now I have nothing. I don't need everything, but I also don't need nothing. No one needs nothing. Everyone needs something. Where's my something?